Category: Health and Wellness
There has been a lot of talk about depression and crying; so, it has inspired me to post something sort of odd that I’ve been dealing with, in hopes of finding others who can relate.
When people die, I don’t cry over it. When someone says that someone has died, I say, “Well, okay. They’re dead.” It does not faze me. I hope I do not sound cold and mean when I say this, but it is how it is for me. I’ve seen so much death and tragedy in my life that it no longer fazes me (Practically half of my close childhood friends are dead do to tragedy, severe health issues, unknown causes, cancer, and medical procedures gone wrong.). Sure, I feel bad, and it sucks that the person/people are no longer here, but I just am not fazed, if you know what I mean. I don’t even shed a tear. Some family members feel me to be coldhearted, but they don’t understand.
I talked it over with my mother and asked her if she thought I was coldhearted. She said that I was not and that doctors and nurses go through the same thing because they see it so much. She said that because I’ve lost so many people that were close to me, that I’m reacting the same way.
Is there anyone else here who feels and acts the same? Is there anyone here who has been through this? It would help to know I’m not alone in this.
hello reina. interesting topic.
my grandad has been given 3 or so weeks to live, and i am really dreading how my reaction will be. when my great great grand mother died i was only about 4 or 5 so i don't remember much about it. i suppose it will be fine, people die and there's nothing you can do after that. not that it's really related (this is going to sound stupid) i cried and cried when i heard about michael jackson's death. even though i never knew him, his music was always close to me and it seemed a big loss to hear he had died.
as for me, i am not worried about death. personally if nothing else, it will be sweet relief and i am actually looking forward to it
Dan, i don't feel you are stupid. Though Michael was a major controversy, some felt close to him, nonetheless.
i'm so sorry to hear about your granddad. I'm going to keep you and him in my prayers. As far as to how you'll react to his death, you cannot be sure until it happens. i know too well the pain associated with death, hence the reason I'm so numb to it. Nonetheless, I'll be there for you if you need a friend or someone to vent your frustrations to or cry on. You'll make it through. I have all the faith in the world in you. Support from loved ones and friends does make all the difference, too.
To Poster 2, that stinks to know your grandpa only has a few weeks to live. I hope you are getting the chance to spend time with him before then.
To the original question, I don't think I've ever cried about the death of anyone either. I've been disappointed at realizing that I won't get to see that person alive anymore and I do think about the deceased person from time to time, but that's about it. I think it's especially more awkward for me if someone else is grieving for a dead person, because I don't seem to react at all. Like once, a teacher was crying in front of me and a friend because a good friend of hers had just died, and to be totally honest I just wanted to step out; I felt awkward and really didn't know how to respond to that. It's not that I didn't care, but I don't know. My friend did say she was sorry to hear about my teacher's friend and she meant it, but I couldn't seem to do that. Even when I had heard that a friend of mine had died, I was disappointed for a short time, but didn't cry. In a way, I'm not too much concerned with this when it comes to myself, but it does feel awkward when I show this lack of reaction with other people, because most people would want to do/say something to comfort a grieving person, and it's not that I don't want to, but I don't know how to react; it usually doesn't seem to come naturally to me I guess.
reina, i am glad someone has been in my position and knows what it must be like. as for the michael jackson thing, you're the first person not to think i am crazy.
to the last poster, yes, we just celebrated his birthday (went to lunch at his fave place). we enjoyed ourselves a lot (even though we knew it could well be the last time). i make an effer to see him at least every week even though he lives an hour away, and obviously i can't get there with out someone taking me.
Sometimes I'm very emotional when I find out someone has died. Like the night I found out on the news that the crocodile hunter had an accident with that stingray barb ... I bawled for a while after that. depends on how close the person was to me, I suppose. not sure what else to say here.
To Poster 1: If you are worried about people thinking you are cold, I'd say that's a great indication you are not. Everyone's response to things is different, and, as you said, having seen so m*ch tragedy could easily have something to do with it. I Think almost anyone could understant that, based on what you've written.
Wow! Thanks for the responses. Thanks so much.
PrincessLeilani, I so get what you mean. It feels awkward around me when people cry and grieve over people who have died. I do whatever I can to comfort them, but I still feel awkward, as I can't really relate, so to speak, since I am pretty numb when death occurs. Nonetheless, i let the grieving people know that they can always call me to talk, and I'll listen, no matter the time of night.
When I used to be fazed, I'd grieve for awhile. I'd have times during the night when I'd just wake up crying and need someone to talk to. (Back when it got to me, I never showed it in front of others, unless it was so bad I could not contain it, but I did cry in private, nonetheless. Now, I feel nothing.) I'm so thankful for those friends of mine being there during the night, as they got me through those times. Sadly, some of them are no longer here.
in their honor, i want to continue giving to others what they have imparted to me. I want to be a support to those who are bereaved because I've been there more than I have enough fingers to count.
And to the poster above me, i'm glad you understand. It does feel strange when you seem to be the only one around who does not cry when everyone else is. I lost my second cousin, who was close to me, this summer. Everyone else was emotional, and i was not. Some of my family members were freaked out by this. The dialog went something like this:
Family Member: Did you know that Little jonny died?
Me: Yes, and what about it?
Silence, then Family Member speaks: You're not sad?
Me: Um no. He is dead. What am i supposed to do about that?
Family Member: I can't believe you're not crying. It is freaky that you show no emotion at all. It is as if it does not faze you. It is as if you do not care.
Me: It really doesn't faze me anymore.
Family Member: Wow!
Me: If you have seen as many people die as I have, and if you've been in the front line of tragedy as I have, you'd understand. I'm numb. I don't feel it anymore. i have not a single tear to shed over death anymore. I've lost many people that I loved and have been closed to. you can only cry so many times over the same thing. Listen, i have work to do. Gotta bounce.
Family Member (silent and still sits in shock): Wow!
Me: Listen, I care a lot about Jonny. After all, we were close. I called him "favorite cousin." But when you've been disappointed every single year since the age of fifteen by having good and close friends ripped away from you, you just learn not to care anymore. You learn how to block such things out. Sure, I feel bad that the person has died. Sure, i miss them and want to just call them about my day and just shoot the bull with them. But, I don't feel it anymore.
Family Member: Well, if that is how it is for you, then okay. I can't relate.
Me: well, i hope that you never have to be able to relate. Listen, if Little Johnny's death starts getting to you, or if you feel sad, i'm here to listen. Call me no matter the time. I mean it.
Family Member: Thanks.
Me: Anytime. Glad to be there for you.
That is the extent of how I react now.
death does scare me a lot and i cry over anything thats to do with death. everyone deals with grief in their own way and theres nothing wrong with that. my dads very ill and i cry a lot cos i'm frightened about him dying. and to the time keeper i'm sorry to hear about your grandad. i know how hard it is knowing that someone you love has not got long to live and they could go at any time. if you need to talk i'll listen.
To poster 1, you shouldn't feel wierd or cold hearted about the way you feel. When people sit down and actually contemplate about death, a majority of people find themselves sad over those that they'll leave behind and not their own mortality. Likewise, when a person has to deal with someone else's death, often, the individual's first thought isn't that the deceased has gone to an unknown, it is how much he or she is going to miss that person and how things will change and impact due to the absence of the deceased. For someone such as yourself who has seen many deaths since early age, you have learned that people's lives go on even after the death of an individual. After several deaths, you can anticipate what the future holds for those left behind by the deceased; and being able to anticipate such outcome, you're better prepared and don't need to dwell on sadness to the point of crying and crying. When my father died, it was my first experience with death up close. I cried and cried. Then, a few years later, I realized that all the crying I had done was not for him, but for my mother, my family, relatives, aunts and uncles, etc. Seeing that everyone I cried over carried on with their lives in a world full of sadness and misery, I thought to myself, "maybe what they say is true, maybe it is better off dead than alive!" Besides, if you dwell too much on death and dying, you won't take any risk in life and have lots of fun! So smile, and cheer for those who are waiting for our arrival!
reina, this is an interesting topic and one I've been dealing with myself. EEach of us reacts to grief differently. That doesn't make how we deal with it wrong. It is just what it is.
The fact that you tell people they can count on you for support shows that you are neither cold nor unfeeling. When confronted by death and grieving, it is the rare person who does not feel uncomfortable.
Recently my dad died. The people who made the most difference in my grieving were the ones who said "gosh, i don't know what to do but I'm here for you." or "we're praying for you and your family. Call any time." Please please for mercy's sake don't "extend your condolences at this tragic time." Good god almighty what the he** is a condolence. I realize that the people who say that think they are being supportive, but I don't want to look up the sentiment they are expressing in a dictionary.
Each death is different. TYou may think this is wrong, but I haven't weeped and waled about my dad. He lived for 91 years. He went out the way he would have like and is in heaven.
On the other hand about a month later, I had to have my dog put down. I've never been around anyone or anything that died in my presence. Jade was extremely sick and it had to be done. I cried like a baby. That doesn't take away from my dad, but it was a different situation with a unique reaction. am I making sense at all?
Yes, you are making a lot of sense to me. From what I conclude, you probably did not watch your dad die, but perhaps, you watched your dog die, as you were there when the dog was being put down? Honestly, it is scary to see anything die in front of you. So I could understand you crying about your dog versus your dad. Not to mention, the different ones that die in our lives effect us differently. Now, I hope I'm making sense.
absolutely positively sense. i had seen my dad for several hours in the morning. i had to go home to take care of some things. he died at 3:15 with two of his best buds and his wife near him. i was patting the dog through the whole uthanasia process. very creepy and disturbing though necessary. the particular vet involved was not my favorite in the practice. my opinion has changed. she is a very kind caring gentle woman.
Oh wow! I don't know if I could be there and do that with my dog. Wow! That is creepy. My hat is off to you.
believe me, i was disturbed and concerned about being there. having my beautiful pup be alone would have been much much worse.
believe me, i was disturbed and concerned about being there. having my beautiful pup be alone would have been much much worse.
I understand your feelings. If it were one of my dogs, I do not have any pets currently, i'd probably have done the same thing because I'd want to spend every last moment that I possibly could and say good by. So, i don't blame you for doing what you did.
I think we all deal with death in different ways. Even though some people don't cry, I know they deal with death inwardly, or by some other means. Showing outward signs of sorrow by drying isn't the only to deal with your greef. I am one of those people who expresses herself by crying at a death, not for the sake of showing other people how I feel, but just to express my feelings about the event.
To all those who are less emotional with regards to death. It's not really a huge deal as to how you react to death. Everyone's different. What really matters is how you treat the bereaved. Sometimes, people are freaked out cause they don't know what to say. Oftentimes, just being there makes all the difference. Condolences are nice, but I often find them to be kind of generic. My friend's son was killed by his father last year. I did call her onn holidays and took her out to lunch. Sometimes, it's okay to back off until a later time. Right after a death, things are often incredibly chaotic with family and funeral arrangements. Many times, it's the time when things have settled down that people really need another person to help them through their grief. If you don't know what to say to a grieving person, it's okay to let them know that. Just be sure to remind them that you're there if they need you. To the original poster, it's okay to become a bit desensitized to death.
I have no problems comforting the grieving. Even if I do not know what to say, I'm there. But, it is just that death does not seem to phase me, as wierd as it sounds.